Floating among the Vultures w/o a Prayer

I can only expect for you to respect me if I respect you. Proof of my respect can only derive from telling you the truth. If I misrepresent myself with a pretentious façade, I will warrant your disrespect. Only by telling you the truth can I hope for your respect. I’m nothing special, as you will soon find out if you haven’t already. The only thing special about me is that I love you enough to tell you the truth. I’m further convinced of this by having read this chapter repeatedly because I know within my heart that you are getting the worst of me, which is the very best I can offer—the truth.

I will have been dishonest if I were elected to lead this country unless I tell you “the good, the bad, and the ugly”. Therefore, it’s important that I tell you of my beliefs from which I have betrayed God along my gradual drift from innocence. This will be the most difficult thing I will ever do, but upon doing so, I will have done everything I can to extend to you my heart regardless how strong or weak, accepted or rejected. I can only expect you to know just how far I’ve strayed by telling you where my conscience finds its home, and how God’s amazing grace has saved a wretch like me!

Within this chapter, I intend to randomly tell how the strength of the Sacraments have become obvious to me as I retrospectively recognize just how lost I had been. The more lost I was, the weaker I’d become. Oh but I had an alibi; “I’m only human!” was the weak fuel by which my freewill aimlessly drove my disobedience further and further from my conscience along my clueless pursuit of happiness. (Click on title to read more.)

I’m a bit reluctant to start because of the holier-than-thou connotation that seems to be attached with those of us who claim to be Catholic. In fact, many of us join the protest and become Protestant ourselves, especially when the inevitable scandal occurs of which no generation seems immune—from the very first day of Christianity. Quite honestly, I actually have felt embarrassed to pray before meals at a restaurant because of not wanting to be labeled with “those Catholics”. Hoping nobody will see, I do it anyway. Try as I may, before asking God to “bless us oh Lord and these Thy gifts”, the sign of the cross is a “dead giveaway”.

Once upon a time, I put a lot of weight on what you thought of me. To some extent I still do. I still suffer from a little peer-pressure. It’s not yet cool to be a Catholic; but those of you who pray before meals with confidence and dress modestly despite the fashionable styles really give me hope because your confidence proves that you are secure—that’s cool! Yeah, I still have a tendency to wear such clothes myself because, wanting to be accepted, I’m still attached to what society might think. As I slowly mature however, I’m gradually becoming more interested in what God thinks of me. Does a self-righteous façade fit me? Oh no! That would be so false for me to portray, because I have been a real big sinner.

In fact, I have often wondered how God can possibly like me because He knows every sick mortal sin I have ever committed. I no longer avoid the confessional, for that’s my biggest hope—God’s Mercy! You go ahead and include me under the label of “those Catholics”. If that stereotypes me a sinner you couldn’t be more correct! But, may I suggest, when you’re done writing or talking all that stuff about us, don’t forget to take your soul to the mirror.

I use-to really look-up to people with nice clothes and fancy lifestyles, but the people I currently look-up to the most are those who have the guts to walk into the confessional. That, to me, is the very pinnacle of strength!

Dear God: 

You promise us so much and we believe you. But, living in this world with all these temptations makes it so very hard to stay focused on what you promise. Heaven is far better and lasts far longer than the Earth here in the universe.

It’s like you challenge us to the finish line, and as a reward you promise to give us more than our imaginations can possibly fathom; but to receive that eternal gift of absolute happiness, we have to prove that we believe you.

It’s like as if we are running a race of 5000 miles; and in our race, we have every option available to us—feet, legs, lungs, bikes, cars, boats, trains, planes, and rockets. But within this race, we have all the temptations known to mankind—food, sex, drugs, music, acclaim, power, luxury—which if we overindulge, we fall prey to pride, lust, gluttony, laziness, vanity, greed, anger, and envy.

You give us way too much for our own good. Freedom comes at a great expense. Free-will is too much for us handle. On one hand, I want to thank you for such liberty, while on the other hand I want to ask you “why?”

We know the answer—at least we know within our hearts—but we don’t want to admit it because it’ll only mean that we have to discipline ourselves. The answer is too hard because the temptations are too many. We know the answer—humility, love of neighbor, poverty, obedience, joy, openness to the Holy Spirit, intercession from saints, repentance, trust, desire for holiness, adoration, sorrow for sin, purity, courage, patience, perseverance, faith, hope, charity, grace of a happy death, trust in Mary’s intercession—but the temptations are overflowing and we don’t want to discipline ourselves with how you command.

We’d rather make-up our own rules and fool ourselves that we’re following your command. We do such a good job that we brilliantly fool ourselves. I’ve been one of the biggest fools; I’ve been one of the biggest sinners. How is it that you have allowed me to still see? Oh yeah, the Sacraments...

The Glory of Confession:

(I believe it was in 2007 that I included this one on Confession.)

For about two years before I came to my hometown for a much-needed vacation, I was extremely close with our Lord. Jesus was my best friend. While here, I have been so busy that I would only visit Him within a schedule, so He became gradually more like an obligation and less like a best friend. After a year of this, I realized that He had become kind of distant although I’d make time for Him and pray every day.

Well, last Thursday, I sat on the porch and pondered on the fact that I no longer do anything fun. I haven’t smoked a joint in quite a long time. I haven’t gone-out on a date in a very long time. I haven’t had sex in so long that I feel like a virgin (without the honor of such purity, of course).

The more I thought of how boring my life has become, the more I wanted to do something fun. I thought of eating something delicious like a decadent piece of chocolate; then I thought of what it would be like to have sex again like with some strong, fine man.

I had no real desire initially, it was merely a thought and then I entertained the thought for a while. And, I knew better…I knew “to avoid the near occasions of sin”, or else it might escalate, but I didn’t dismiss the thought, I continued thinking about sex.

Suddenly, I had such a strong desire that there was no turning back. Nothing or nobody would have changed my mind, not even Jesus.

I have an image of Jesus Christ in every room in my home. I keep a worn-out copy of the NEW COLOUR PIETA (prayer book) with me at all times, turned to page seventy-three, with the face of Jesus from the Holy Shroud of Turin as the closest material thing to me that I own.

I didn’t want any of those pictures to deter my sexual desire. In fact, I tried to ignore them and wished they’d just disappear because my mind was made-up to somehow have sex.

My desires took a hold of me to such a point that my intellect and my will were extremely weakened. Clear thought and the will to fight against my feelings were powerless over my strong sexual desire.

My thoughts took a turn for the worst. I will spare you the details, because anyone in one’s right mind would find the desperate filthy thoughts that I had repulsive. Also, I have too much pride to get myself to write the details of my initial intention toward satisfying the urge because someone just might read this. There is nothing disgusting to me about sex, by the way, in the proper context as God who designed it intended it, but if I were to state the details you’d agree with the word disgusting.

When I allow my passions to go unbridled by my will and my intellect, a whore might be less disgusting in comparison to the lengths I can go to satisfy my selfish pleasure.

Prior to the sin I committed, I grappled with how I would confess it. I thought I’d go out-of-town to a closed confessional so as to be unrecognized by the poor unsuspecting priest who would hear such filth. Also, there’s a retired Monsignor who is up in years who lives nearby, and Confession with him was a certain possibility.

Well, taking comfort in that, I put Confession out-of-mind as I swiftly proceeded to convert thought to action in my private perversion, but my disgusting plan didn’t work so I just simply did the obvious. I, then, figured that since I was already in sin, why not do it again. Then, the sin of presumption exacerbated to the thought of why not a third time? God will forgive me anyway so I did it again.

Subsequently, any room into which I would walk, I’d notice the image of Jesus and I’d look away in shame. But something odd became noticeable:  the image was no longer much more than a piece of paper since I had betrayed the One whom otherwise had been present. I was alone with nothing to comfort me but my shame.

Confession became my highest priority. I didn’t have time to waste so I couldn’t go out-of-town. I couldn’t wait until Sunday nor could I bring myself to admit my filth to the parish priest, because he likely thinks I’m a good example and we’ve become good friends. We talk at a higher level of theology than I’ve ever thought possible. I would not jeopardize his image of me; so I went in haste to see the Monsignor instead. It was raining out, and when I got to his place, he was waking-up from a nap and agreed to hear my confession and suggested we take a walk.

“Bless me Father for I have sinned”—my trembling voice couldn’t disregard my shame. At the end of two-to-three minutes of walking and quickly stating my sins anxious to get-it-over-with, the Monsignor said, “May the Lord God absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit!” That had been the most difficult confession ever.

Less than half-a-minute later, I was out-of-there! “There! It’s done!” I thought. On my drive back home, I kept shaking my head and trying hard to think of something else—anything else but to no avail, since, for the first time, I didn’t feel any less lonely after Confession; usually I feel extremely relieved. I thought: “What’s the matter? Something’s wrong! Something’s really wrong! Oh no! Could the sin of presumption have been the reason for my feeling so un-forgiven? Is God teaching me an advanced lesson here on playing with His Mercy?” After all, I really didn’t feel sorrow for my sin; I merely felt ashamed…so ashamed that I couldn’t sense any real value on the image of Jesus but the face-value of a mere piece of paper from which He seemed to have disappeared. I didn’t feel the closeness to Him that I usually feel after Confession.

The next morning, I went to Holy Communion but felt much more unworthy than ever so I didn’t receive, Saturday morning, the same thing. (Come to think of it, I wonder if I even felt His presence upon looking at the Eucharist!)

Sunday morning, I saw the parish priest walk in. Apprehensively, I walked toward him and told him that I committed a mortal sin and wasn’t sure for several reasons whether I was forgiven, and asked him some questions regarding the validity of Confession such as, “Shouldn’t the confessor ask you to recite an act of contrition?” I knew that I didn’t have “sorrow for sin”—just shame—and I didn’t feel as though God wanted anything to do with me. Could God have given-up on me? After all, the Monsignor is one of the most pious human beings I have ever known. He says more in seven words and by his example than most can say in an hour. Surely, he knows how to properly administer the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Penance). Could it have been an alternate way of absolution that I had never heard? Or, was the Monsignor not willing to act in persona Christi upon such a despicable confession by someone whom he had thought of as a good Christian? Or, further yet, could God have used such words to alert my attention to the stupidity of my sin and that no, it’s not okay, at least not until you have some sorrow, how ’bout!

The words “May the Lord God absolve you from your sins” kept ringing in my head. I gradually became aware of the need to hear that God has forgiven me by the words only a priest can say in the place of God who only can forgive sins. It gradually became clear to me that God has a very thoughtful reason for giving us the great gift of a priest who can say these precise words: “I absolve you from your sins!” To really feel forgiven, I (for one) have a real need to hear some form of “I forgive you!” from whomever I’ve offended.

Well, the parish priest understood the nature of my concern but his answer was not the answer I was looking for. I certainly did not want to repeat my confession and certainly not to him, so I thanked him for his advice and went back to my pew and agonized for about half-an-hour.

Finally, I made my way to the back of the church and into the confessional, knowing full well that my friendship with this Holy Catholic priest would never be the same. I could never ever speak as though I’m righteous in our conversations by any means ever again! There may never again be a more difficult challenge in my life than to confess such a disgusting sin to such a priest who has become such a good friend—probably at the caliber of best friend.

For quite some time now, I have been enjoying a friendship with the priest to such an extent that he has almost become like Jesus to me. He never lies to me. I care about what he thinks of me. I get very much from his pious example. I get a lot from his profound homilies. In fact, when I give him a compliment on a homily, he says that “It’s the Holy Spirit, God is good!” He never takes credit and always gives glory to God rather than boast on such a compliment.

Well, this Monday morning, I woke-up with such a comforting thought that only God Himself could have placed in my conscience: Although amid such a painful lesson, I’ve become a bit more convinced that no human tie, however dear, can keep me from following the road of the cross. I take great comfort in the glimmering possibility that I just might love Jesus more than I love my pride; and that knowledge is worth all the shame I had to endure by revealing my sinfulness to such respectable priests as these two, whose image of me does matter but not near as much as regaining my friendship with Jesus.

Until this morning, I really felt lifeless as though I had no life within me. However, this morning, Jesus seems once again present in the images in every room in my home because the Holy Eucharist is again a presence within me that improves the focus of my sight and because I heard Him say—through one of His priests here on Earth in first-person grammar—these words of reunification: “I absolve you from your sins!”

As I recall sex within the Sacrament of Matrimony from years ago, it was amazing, erotic, thrilling, and afterward quite peacefully serene. Outside of marriage however (as I’m increasingly honest with myself and attracted to the truth) although thrilling and erotic, one’s guilt screams of loneliness whether the act is done alone or with a man, because—not only have I done something wrong and am aware of the distance incurred even when there’s another human being involved—there’s an absence that is the most frightening experience I have ever felt, and that absence is the ultimate loneliness of not having God’s presence.

Thank God for the Eucharist. Thank God for Confession. Thank God for the priest without whom these Sacraments could not be extended to a wretch like me!

By the way, I must retrospectively edit the first paragraph by clarifying the “boredom” that might tend to misconstrue the truth but I’ll interject it here at the end: Back when I was “on fire” within my conversion, Christianity was quite exhilarating, and quite possibly will have been the most exciting two years of my entire life! Being a lukewarm Christian, however, is likely the most boring experience known to mankind!

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(About a year later, now in another state trying to publish my book. Back home I was going every day to the church; now I just go once a week.)

God made us with all these desires and tendencies and then commands that we resist them. Is He trying to torture us? Well, I’ve grappled with that one, and I’ve also convinced myself that no there’s nothing wrong with the desires and acting on them; but Confirmation doesn’t let me fool myself with that. Well, there’s certainly nothing wrong with desires nor is there anything wrong with indulging, but there are rules and those rules are also made by God. (Most human beings know that, but we tend to adopt the philosophy of an aimless culture that goes with the flow, and we likewise minimize the seriousness of God’s rules, and intentionally misconstrue His goodness especially by using His Mercy to justify our philosophies rather than to do His Will. It’s natural to resist right reason when it requires discipline; we don’t want to change and we certainly don’t want to control our lust—least of all me!)

Our bodies—especially healthy bodies—crave feelings, emotions, tastes, sounds, sights, and smells among a myriad of appetites.

As a little girl, I wanted to play all day; games and snacks encompassed my desires. During my adolescence, my appetite for food had to be curtailed to optimize my sex appeal from men. In fact, I had thought of how much easier it would be to remain lean if only I wouldn’t appreciate the taste of food so much. In my adult years, my appetite for food remains just as strong as my appetite for men.

I’ve often asked God to please just eliminate this temptation because I’m just not strong enough to fight it. Well, unsuccessfully resisting the urges, I would shamefully look for a different confessional each week.

I would try resisting, but to no avail. It was inevitable that I would return to the confessional in less than a week. I had a “firm purpose of amendment” but I simply could not resist the urges. I’d cry in the confessional; the priest, of course, could relate, and various attempts to advise were conveyed to me by the many priests. Then, I requested advice in an email to the priest who was my confessor back home. He said that it is important for the confessor to know the sinner in order to know how to advise the penitent. He said, “Rather than going to many priests, just go to one.”

So I did; and the very next time, the priest did something of an exorcism and said, “Demon of lust, leave her.”

I didn’t think much of it, but thereafter, I didn’t have a single urge. I thanked God for eliminating such a tough temptation. Then, I thought, “Wow my new-year’s resolution—not to sin against purity—is going to be easy. Well, it only lasted a month; the temptations are back.

The lesson is this: God doesn’t eliminate our temptations; He allows them. He allows them so that we can discipline ourselves.

“Eye has not seen, ear has not heard” what God has in store for us. We can either stop fighting our urges and just give-in to all the pleasure our appetites desire, or we can discipline ourselves so that we can obey Him in Heaven with gifts far greater than the natural thrills in our current state.

We can only hope to obey God in Heaven if we practice to obey Him here. Just as an athlete must condition the body for competition for an Olympic event, one must condition other aspects of the human person. Discipline is the finest attribute in conditioning the body but also the mind and the soul.

He said that He would not leave us alone, and He has been faithful to that promise: He gave us the Holy Spirit when He “breathed” on the apostles. He gave us the Sacraments through the apostles. He gave us Himself in the Eucharist through the apostles!

Fighting temptation…can I do it? Can I do it alone? Absolutely not! Can I do it with the Sacraments? Absolutely! That is the only way I can fight my every-day urges. Alone, I can do nothing but give-in to my emotions, my feelings, my intellect, my will; but with God, I can do His will if I go to the Sacraments and, unworthy as I am, to the ultimate Sacrament—the Holy Eucharist—for my “daily bread”!

The Eucharist

“Prefigurement” and “type” are precursors in the Torah that would introduce the archetype in the Bible. The “type” is the introduction, if you will, and the “archetype” is the climax. For example, the manna in the desert, the five loaves of bread and two fish, the sacrifice of the lamb, all these are “types”, precursors, preparation, or introduction for the greatest mystery of all time—The Holy Eucharist.

Jesus used five loaves of bread and two fish to feed five thousand men plus their wives and children and could walk on water. He obviously can feed all mankind with the Holy Eucharist from whom the faithful draw strength and life still today from what he promised at the Last Supper on Holy Thursday. I can choose to believe or not, but if I were to choose to doubt, I would be lost while overwhelmed with intelligence and lacking with understanding. I am happy to be able to believe-in what makes sense and accept with faith what I cannot understand!

Nothing in this world could tear me away from the Catholic Church because that would mean missing-out on the Holy Eucharist…NOTHING! The Holy Eucharist is “our daily bread”. I don’t just want this Sacrament, I need “it”! Some people have reached sainthood after having received the Holy Eucharist once in their lifetime! I, however, struggle after having received the Holy Eucharist thousands of times, and with respect to sainthood, I’m just a “wanna-be”! I’ve received the Holy Eucharist with indifference thousands of times, so obviously the affect was minimized to the level of my indifference.

Some people have much more faith than I. Some of these are Protestants who have never received the Holy Eucharist. Obviously, some people do more with less. Usually, these people find their way to the truth of the Holy Eucharist, and suddenly their faith is exponentially amplified and then they leave me gaping with awe!

I’ve had lots of experiences—great experiences—but I have never experienced anything remotely close to what it’s like to finally experience being a Catholic and everything that entails! I wouldn’t trade being a Catholic for all the power, popularity, and money in the world. I’d rather be despised, ignored, and penniless than to miss going to Mass and receiving the Holy Eucharist…even if the only opportunity meant going to where the celebrant was the most wretched sinner in the world. If he can bring me Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, I would fall to my knees to receive what only a priest can bring to me!

The only thing that can separate me from the Catholic Church is a mortal sin. Sin, once upon a time, ruled my “life” until I learned to appreciate and experience the Holy Eucharist, upon which the Sacrament of Confession rescued my life; and the Holy Eucharist now lives in my unworthy but extremely grateful mind, heart, body, and soul!

I may not be able to tell you everything about the Catholic Church, and I may not know much, but I know the Holy Eucharist is not just about symbolism. The Holy Eucharist has given me the ability to really understand and truly appreciate “The Prodigal Son”. I was blind, but the Holy Eucharist has brought me home again!

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Jesus: You have been so extremely generous with me during the past two years that I have had so much to think about and write…that I haven’t lately felt the desperate need for your help as much. I want to need you like before. The irony runs deep. I want to need your help so I can always be close as “buds” with you; but wow how difficult it is for example to discern how much and how to say (write) about Mr. Luther’s “Protestant Reformation”. I want to unite people not further divide people. I want to tell about the 60,000-plus denominations that have divided Christians since the Protestant “Reformation”. If that’s reform, well people need to be reminded that yes, there was need for corrections on people’s behavior…on human beings (priests, deacons, nuns, and the laity alike) abusing authority and hence using power. People were sinning—just like we sin today—but they were not associating their behavior with sin…yes, all human beings are in need of continuous reform. The doctrine of the Catholic Church does not, did not, and will not ever need reform. We the members are the ones needing reform. The Catholic Reformation, such as The Council of Trent and The Second Vatican Council, focused on reformation on human beings’ straying behavior not the doctrine.

How to convey this is the tough dilemma, how to convey this without offending, disrespecting, or putting people on the defensive. My only hesitation stems from people’s apparent allergic reaction to the truth.

I want everybody to know how cool your Church is! I want everybody to know how cool you are! I want everybody to experience this personally and individually and privately with you! I want everybody to know how generous you are, how personable you are, how forgiving and merciful you are! I want everybody to know how cool you are! If they know all together, they will be too sidetracked by telling each other their experiences rather than paying attention to you! If human beings were to know how cool you are to wait every day for them, every week for them, every month for them, every year for them, every decade for them right here in the form of a simple and seemingly insignificant wafer. If all human beings were to get-it all at once, they would not be able to experience the joy yet the desperate urgency to convey as precisely as possible their experience so as to convey the awesome treasure in friendship you offer each human being who hopefully will finally “get-it”.

This is a very tough task because I don’t want to make a mistake! I want each person who picks-up my writings to clearly understand my biggest desire—to introduce them all to the awesome friend you are Jesus right here in the Adoration Chapel under the appearance of a wafer! If everybody knew about this—not just claimed to believe because “that’s what Catholics believe”…no, if everybody knew about this and truly believed, this Adoration Chapel would have “standing room only”…if they could fit through the crowd trying to get in! Furthermore, this huge church would not be able to contain the people because there would be people as far as the eye could see, flocking-in to spend time with YOU! You are SO AWESOME!!!!!!! This is the reason I find it so sad that obviously the man who started The Protestant Reformation obviously was a Catholic who—like many many many today—did not “get-it”! Nor did those he was trying to “reform”; otherwise, they wouldn’t have been abusing their awesome privilege in whatever position. Wow! Obviously, some priests who have the awesome honor of consecrating bread and wine into the transubstantiation of YOU, Jesus…obviously some priests don’t get-it either! WOW!!! That’s very sad! As a matter of fact, most of my life, I did not get-it! But WOW! Once one does “get-it” You completely REFORM us!!!!!!! You are SO Awesome!

I just picked up my head and looked up from this notebook. The church is dark on the other side of the glass partition, the doors are locked, and I’m the only human being in this Adoration chapel, which has forty seats and all but one is vacant!

This is a feeling of immense irony! I’m far from lonely because You are such an awesome friend; but I cannot tell others of this loneliness I experience where there should be billions of people! I can’t tell them…because I know how ridiculous it would sound…because I know too well how I in the past would respond to those who would tell me only to reach my deaf ears! I tell people sometimes, I slip and tell people “I’m lonely” only to regret it immediately thereafter because they have told me, “Well, let me introduce you to my friends!” If that’s the kind of lonely I meant, well, I could right now leave this chapel, make ten calls, and have a great party! But, that’s so not what I mean. I don’t lack the opportunity to talk about any number of subjects with people!

No, I lack the opportunity to talk about the only subject that would bring the world happiness! If everybody knew just how cool you are Jesus, the entire human race would immediately feel Heaven here on Earth regardless of pains, aches, illnesses, hunger, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. The recognition of your mystery, acceptance, your love, your generosity, and your light radiates far beyond one’s fears, sorrows, and confusion. But, no, we’re all too divided, defensive, and “intelligent” to let-go of our tight grip on the tangible things through which we settle for such low degrees of happiness.

I wish I were smarter so I’d know how to convey to my fellow human being what I want so much for them to know, so they can all share in this awesome fact of your total presence Jesus in the Holy Eucharist!!!

May everyone pass me regarding ability to love you and far better express to others your love for them! As much as I love you, I hope everyone on this planet can and will love you far more adequately than I. I want the least place in Heaven. I hope everyone else gets much more than I get! I don’t need much, just a pup tent and lots of strength from your GRACE so I can serve you the best way I can FOREVER!!! Just Please Send Your Holy Spirit to every human being on Earth; so they can begin to experience real happiness you have for them!

I’m sitting here looking at You! I’m already in Heaven!!! If this is as good as it gets for me, thank You! There’s nothing like Your presence! Every question I have—you answer. You don’t just give me the answers…you make me work for them…you challenge my intellect…you increase my love…you allow me to join my weak will to become one will with your strong and perfect will! You know everything I’ve ever done wrong—every sin—and you not only forgive me but you still love me as well! I experience such peace here with you! I could stay right here for eternity and I’d be so happy, just as long as everyone else on this planet is at least as happy as I am, that is the only way I would feel complete!

Upon receiving the Eucharist in Holy Communion, I like to enter into the Adoration Chapel wherein the Eucharist is exposed. I have the Eucharist within me and I’m looking at the Eucharist displayed. Everyone is rushing out of Mass to go have breakfast. Oh if only they knew, oh if only they would actually believe.

I know too well what they’re missing because, most of my life, I too would miss-out on this awesome gift to us. I know too well what they’re missing because, most of my life, I too would receive with such obvious indifference. Oh if only I could tell them. Well, I can only do my best…

The Eucharist is the window to eternity. Each time I look at the Eucharist, I transcend time, but my mind cannot fathom what my eyes cannot reach to actually see. That which my eyes see, when fixed on the Eucharist, is the clearest veil this side of eternity. When my mind’s focus is perfectly aligned with my faith’s clear conscience, the Eucharist within my soul leaps through time and space and, only for a moment, I can actually experience the joy of Paradise, because my pounding heartbeat brings me back to imperfect focus. Then, I’m no longer focusing on the Eucharist but on my throbbing heartbeat instead!

As much as you want to go into a church, that’s how much God wants to go into our soul! Jesus came to this Earth to take on his shoulders the sins of the world so that by his birth, death, and resurrection, he could, yes, die for our sins and redeem us and drive-out the devil from our souls and make a basilica, a temple, a cathedral of our souls, so that we may open our mouths and let him into our human frames when we receive Holy Communion. Whether we go into a poor chapel or an exquisite cathedral, God is there, waiting for us to go in and invite him into our heart, mind, and soul. Holy Communion is the most precious gift we can possibly receive here on Earth, because the Eucharist is the actual presence of an eternal being in whom there is no past and future—only presence! One who has received Holy Communion—after confessing all sins—knows just how awesome this experience is, and wants to receive Holy Communion every single day thereafter! The term Holy Day of Obligation becomes offensive to one’s ears, because obligation is usually something that is a demand rather than the privilege and the honor that going to daily Mass becomes!

Matrimony

Human beings have a mind for understanding, a will for courage, a heart for love, a body for discipline, and a soul to sensibly culminate the wisdom from all of the above. When relationships are approached with maturing wisdom, respect sets the tone by which responsibility proves the extent to which we are human.

The Sacrament of Matrimony is the climax-opportunity of which conviction between two human beings can mature the intellect, the will, and the passions through which love gives meaning to life as dignity maximizes the spread of real love that culminates by brilliant management of emotions. Love between such wise human beings is much more than a “four-letter-word”!

The graces from this Sacrament will facilitate the ability for the obvious difficulties of love. If ever there was a responsibility that requires God’s grace, it is Matrimony. The best gift you can give to your kids is to be a great spouse. And, of course, “The family that prays together stays together.”

I recently heard marriage being defined as “an unconditional love for an imperfect person”.

About fifteen years ago, I would really enjoy going to weddings. Now, I get a greater sense of appreciation when a couple announces their twenty-fifth and fiftieth wedding-anniversary.

Relationships for life are not just a matter of physical attraction or knowing everything about each other; they are about willingness to invest and personal sacrifice and commitment. A relationship must be nurtured rather than taken for granted, just like one’s portfolio…if you and your stockbroker completely ignore your portfolio for five years regardless of the market, neither of you will know when you could have wisely bought or sold. If you don’t know how far down it went, you would not appreciate when the stock is up quite as much. If you take for granted or ignore your spouse when times are tough, you will not appreciate his nice cologne or her aging smile lines when your spouse is most attractive—on your twenty-fifth and fiftieth wedding-anniversary! Relationships that include true love are all about how wisely the couple improves upon the intellect, the passions, and the will as a model of compassion for the children.

When I was married, I made lots of mistakes! You see, I am not speaking from a position of success; I merely understand because of my mistakes! I married a great man and I managed to mess that up. (“God placed obvious limitations on my intellect; but none whatsoever on my stupidity!”) I’m not suggesting to do as I’ve done; I’m hoping you are wiser than I, and hopefully my mistakes might serve to help you or your children. I was certainly not the most positive role model as a wife. Moreover, I’ve regretfully had subsequent sinful relationships with men after my husband divorced me. However, regardless of justifications to which the times have evolved, I in good conscience may not and will not remarry. I walked up to the altar, I made a vow before God, I meant what I said, and I will honor my vow regardless how lonely it may be! Two-thousand years have elapsed since Jesus walked on this Earth; when I tune-in, I can still hear his words and I firmly resolve to sin no more and will endeavor to do my best to honor his command.

The vow in Matrimony is a promise to one’s spouse and a sworn oath to the ultimate witness—God!

Since I began writing this book in October 2003, I have repeatedly asked God for help. He is always ready to give me what I need. Not only would it be unfair if I neglect to do what he expects of me, it would also be a total lack of my gratitude and respect.

If you must insult me because of my audacity since I haven’t always lived-up to striving toward God’s will, I deserve it! But, for the record, regardless of how heavy or painful the insults or what you may feel for me, I sincerely love you and only hope the best for you!

As such, I’ll strongly encourage that you love your spouse with all that entails. “The harder a promise is to keep, the more precious it is when you keep it.”

Confirmation

Confirmation is a Sacrament that strengthens my faith in the dangers I face between passion and will—against belief. It is a strength within that will not give-up “pulling for me” during the turmoil of constant temptation. It never allows me to really believe the many justifications I make in favor of my weakness in sinful thought, word, and action.

While others might find comfort or less culpability within sinful behavior, a person who has received this Sacrament may try to find that same comfort, but the strength of Confirmation prevails within the confines of one’s conscience and thus one cannot truly be comfortable. This sense of guilt is simply the grace of the Sacrament in effect.

Such grace is referred to as Sacramental grace, which is a strengthening of one’s faith against temptation and/or persecution. Once a sufficient amount of such grace is obtained, it is demonstrated in a person’s active witness to Christ.

Confirmation gives to the soul an increase of sanctifying grace, which is the basic source of life one receives at Baptism. These words only have meaning for one who has experienced such faith in action. I would not write this if these were mere words. I’ve been “on the fence” as well as “on the other side of the fence”. (I’m about to tell you just how lost I was!) God will help us if we want his help.

Confirmation elevates the quality of one’s conscience to such a degree that intellect from the keenest of minds cannot challenge. The mind, therefore, cannot completely justify against what the conscience discerns between right and wrong. Oh, I’ve tried being clever with justifications but nothing can convince my mind that my conscience can allow sin—not even the greatest arguments against whether something is a sin. (This is where one’s conscience and natural law can clearly meet.)

To inform and be loyal to one’s conscience is responsible; otherwise, as in everything, there is cause and effect. To minimize discomfort, sin causes one to intellectually justify sinful behavior; and the mind, therefore, drifts from one’s conscience as the effect. The mind that gradually justifies little wrongs will eventually drift so far that discerning right from wrong becomes impossible. This is so because the mind and the conscience will have become separated by a “winding path”, if you will, which increases in distance with each subsequent little wrong.

Within one who has received the Sacrament of Confirmation, there’s an inherent struggle between the passions, the will, and the intellect as well as between the mind and the conscience. Although one’s justifications have been satisfying even to the point of self-righteousness and an odd sense of comfort, this “comfort” is being pestered by a perpetual sense of inexplicable guilt. It is almost as though one is keeping a secret from oneself but cannot quite pinpoint what seems to be out of focus. So, even in one’s darkest moments, Confirmation is like a light posted on one’s conscience, which extends through this “winding path”.

This “light” extends toward one’s drifting mind. It prompts the mind to question the intriguing glimmer of light coming from the “winding path”. The extreme difficulty in questioning, assessing, and reflecting-upon one’s behavior—while attempting to discern right from wrong—becomes next to impossible; but the connecting light toward the clarity of a clear conscience offers a glimmer of hope and attention. (A mom’s prayers might brighten the path’s shadow.) If one does not become incarcerated by a sufficient sense of “comfort”, just maybe one will gain a sense of confusion and hence yearn for clarity. If one has the humility to beg God and listen for his help, one will find oneself in the confessional sobbing through a long laundry list of sins, which started out by so innocently justifying a little wrong.

I have arrived at this by personal experience. I am grappling with whether to give you an example because it will be quite embarrassing!

Here goes…

How difficult is it to know right from wrong?

Near my hometown, about four miles from the home where I spent my childhood, there’s a natural spring of water pouring out of a mountain. The water from this spring has pushed itself downhill and has formed a channel winding through the town. The water is used as drinking water for the occasional deer and elk periodically seen near the area. Also, this water serves to irrigate the beautiful array of trees, wild flowers, and the green fields in my little hometown through which it passes.

Near the natural spring, the gathered water initially formed a small pond that fills enough to make for a nice swimming hole. When I was a little kid, during the summer this was “the happening spot”. It took-on the name "the ojo", which means “the eye” of the spring.

My dad would air-up three medium sized inner tubes on which my siblings and I would float in this awesome place during the earliest cherished moments of my life. I have always enjoyed the water. I would be the first one in and the last one out, until the dreaded moment mom or dad would say, “Okay, dry-up, it’s time to go!” We would then put on our jeans and tee shirts over our swimwear. My hands and feet would look funny with the texture of a prune, because if I wasn’t trying to learn how to dive or swim, I was floating on the tube the entire time.

As mom and dad drove around the last curve on our way to the ojo, we would all stretch our little necks and focus our big eyes through the trees, hoping there were no cars. Mom and dad would only drive down the turnoff into the dirt road if and only if nobody was there. The area was large enough for kids to run and play but small enough for only one party.

Come to think of it, I believe mom and dad would only go there if safe enough for clean fun. Mom and dad were extremely strict. I can hardly recognize them now as grandparents. They are no longer strict at all. I think my brothers-n-sisters and I wore them out; there were eight of us—each a fulltime job.

When we got a little older, mom and dad would sometimes allow our big brother to drive us there. We could stay for an hour but the rules would still apply. We were not permitted to go to the spot if other cars were there. We started out as impeccably obedient kids sadly returning home if other cars were there. Through the years however, we lost our innocence and learned that we could simply lie to mom and dad.

Periodically, they’d drive-up and check-up on us. In the event other cars were there, we would justify our “innocence” by saying that the others drove-up after we were already there.

Upon the age of reason, every human being has the innate ability to discern right from wrong without being taught. Right from wrong is absolutely obvious at this, the age of innocence!

When I was a little older and in high school, I would routinely run from home to the ojo and back, training for track. It was about eight miles roundtrip. I remember one day when I got to the turnoff, I didn’t see any cars so I proceeded all the way to the swimming hole. When I got there, I saw a girl in a bikini and a gorgeous guy next to one another lain on a blanket. I knew them both, but there was something awkward about the scene. On my four-mile run back home, I reflected on what I had just witnessed. The guy was someone else’s boyfriend and, the more I thought about it, I understood that they hadn’t been just lying there!

I arrived at this conclusion as I recalled the details. My naïve mind kept focusing on the perfect muscles and chiseled abs on one of the most gorgeous physiques my innocent eyes had ever seen (this guy had a body!) but the perfect abs was not all I saw. I seem to recall his jeans were unbuttoned. Also, it was obvious they hadn’t been in the water, and he hadn’t just put on his jeans over his swimwear. My little heart was racing! And I finally understood why my mom and dad had been so strict. The girl soon developed a bad reputation, but the effect seemingly wasn’t at all detrimental to the guy.

Although I didn’t consider myself a mental giant, I sufficiently had the presence of commonsense to avoid this kind of degradation for myself. I remained a virgin until the age of twenty-one.

Upon being stationed in another country with the military, I figured once my two-year tour was up, no one there would ever see me again. I adapted and had sex with every man I “fell-in-love” with. My innocence had vanished before I even knew the real meaning of love and quite honestly I was no more innocent than a little slut. I had a sense of guilt; but nobody who really knew me would ever find-out, so I wouldn’t get the bad reputation as did that girl at the ojo.

A few years later, I got married and a few years after that, I got divorced. I figured since my husband divorced me, surely it wasn’t fair for God to expect me never to have sex again.

Well, I took comfort in my justification and convinced myself with this plausible “logic”. Years later, I consequently began to change my mind about what I was taught by my Catholic parents, and my beliefs began to drift into conclusions that could be justified “logically” by my intellect.

I’ve never been one to “sleep around”; if I felt I was “in-love”, I began to find nothing wrong with having sex since it wasn’t merely physical but emotional as well. I never had sex with anyone outside of these philosophical parameters. My justifications seemed logical and I sincerely began to think I was doing nothing wrong. I was straying so naïvely not realizing that I could be just as sincerely wrong!

Well as I previously mentioned, after many experiences throughout the world and after having been fired, I built a massage business. My massage was strictly therapeutic. Then about a year-and-a-half later I thought “Why am I such a prude?” Some of the men clients would convey to me that nobody had ever looked at them twice let alone touched them. I felt sorry for them and I therefore didn’t see the harm—if you know what I mean. Eventually, I allowed my dignity to drift while my will and intellect were “logically” replacing truth with plausibility, as I was soon guided by my emotions and feelings toward the oblivion of relativism. Thus, my “innocence” was so aimlessly justified for several months. Afterward, I would compulsively wash my hands with the strongest soap, oblivious to the stains on my soul.

I gradually got to this point by drifting so “innocently”. I’ll explain…

As a little kid, I used an inner tube at the ojo. However, whether you had a similar setting, a canoe at the lake, a boat at the bay, or a yacht at the ocean, I will use the inner tube and the ocean to explain my gradual drifting “innocence”.

Let’s say I’m on a medium sized inner tube that is somewhat grounded by the sand on the shoreline but partially keeping me afloat. I’m thoughtfully reflecting at the beach on a much-needed vacation. Facedown lying on the inner tube, I’m scribbling on the sand what my daddy told me years ago, “Let your conscience be your guide!” Eventually, I stop scribbling on the wet sand and rest my arms under my chin on the inner tube. As I become comfortable I drift-off to sleep. I quickly awaken about twenty-five feet from the shore. I use my hands and arms to paddle my way back to where I can see how much of my scribbling remains.

The water waves have washed into some of the words so I trace over them. Tiredly, as I struggle to keep my eyes open, I begin to reflect on the innocence I once had as a little kid before seeing that gorgeous physique at the ojo. I recognize clearly that there’s something profoundly obvious between this current experience and the one of years ago whereupon I was an innocent little girl at the ojo. The heat of the sun and the coolness of the water gradually allow the inner tube to rock me back to sleep.

At the age of innocence, I could immediately discern right from wrong—nobody had to tell me—I just knew, as is the case with every human being on this beautiful planet! This is so, because God “wrote” natural law (from which all law is based) on the conscience of each human being, which clearly connects understanding to the words “thy will be done” on a familiar prayer.

Since then however, there have been subsequent little wrongs of the same caliber with thought, word, and action that I have justified rather than corrected. I have learned that as I justify my little wrongs, I find it gradually easier and easier and easier to honestly justify subsequent little wrongs. Likewise, if I correct my little wrongs, I maintain the keen ability to clearly discern right from wrong. This is possible only when I can still tune-in to my clear conscience; otherwise, honesty becomes increasingly relative.

However, as I justify my mistakes and little wrongs, I find comfort in the fact that society around me does the same with smaller as well as larger mistakes and little wrongs. The familiar statement “I’m only human!” offers me the comfort of continuing to justify and conform to others who do the same.

Well, I had justified for so long that I could no longer clearly discern right from wrong. Nonetheless, I thought I could still discern. Suddenly, I was not really sure about right and wrong and was open to sensible sounding justifications on whatever subject within which I was perplexed with dilemma. Articulate intellects with varying university degrees would be sources from which I would find “comfort”. As such, I would relinquish such a difficult predicament to their justification.

Then, having developed a new mindset, I too became quite capable of such philosophical reasoning during casual conversation with anyone I’d meet. I honestly thought I still held compliance to my dad’s advice, “Let your conscience be your guide!”

A fish or something hit the inner tube on which I had fallen asleep; this abruptly brought me back to reality! For a second there, I didn’t know where I was! I had been asleep for quite a long while! I opened my eyes wide-open, but the sun had long since set, and the blinding darkness frightened me to wonder, “WHAT WAS THAT?” Not only could I no longer see the sand where I had scribbled “Let your conscience be your guide!” but I could also no longer see the light of day, let alone the shore!

Several hours later when light started giving me hope, the sunrise revealed my horizon including only the sky, the fading moon, and the clouds illuminated by the sun. As for what I could see of the Earth, I could only see my red, sunburned skin over the inner tube and water all around me. I could see nothing else—not even a ship as I stretched my focus! Fear and despair began to awaken my senses to their keenest as my defenses were ready, willing, and unable to react to the unknown surroundings. An occasional vulture would curiously hover over me; but the grounded sand, which had been my landmark where I had scribbled, no longer could guide me home. Lonely, afraid, hungry, and thirsty, I had no way of knowing whether I was twenty miles away or one hundred. At high noon, I didn’t know what direction toward which to paddle, so anything that justified intellectual reasoning would be my only guide.

I asked God for help and I’m sure he answered; but I had drifted much too far from my conscience through which to clearly hear God’s guidance on any subject. Anything I would have clearly heard at that point (good or bad) would have offered the only obvious certainty...that it could not have been the One, the Only, Almighty God from whose will I had so distanced myself!

Having reflected on this during the three years after the fact, I’m authentically informed and completely convinced that Confession is not a mere lifeline. Only a few minutes after I walked out of the confessional, I distinctly recall staring through heavy tears where I was actually scribbling on the sand, as I realized I could suddenly clearly discern right from wrong once again!

God’s love never becomes stronger; it always remains extremely strong. It’s up to me to minimize or increase my distance. When I return, His love will be just as strong as it was when I last could notice. His love seems stronger but it is not. I only come to recognize and appreciate His merciful forgiveness, and thus, I can become more loving toward Him because He NEVER left! Those of us who have engaged in sin the most are absolutely awestruck by God’s unfathomable mercy!

For about three years now, I have wondered, “How in the world am I going to convey this to everyone I love without them thinking less of me?” Well, quite honestly, I think I can take it! Who knows, I might even reach someone with this “lifeline”. I’ve reflected, I’ve prayed, and I’ve projected, but the only conclusion I can come-up with is this:  I only pray and hope I’m a strong enough jackass to carry what little I’ve learned of God’s unfathomable mercy. You see, “God placed obvious limitations on my intellect but none whatsoever on my stupidity.” The very least I could do is my best to tell just how lost I was!

I hope you never have anything this embarrassing to disclose while introducing yourself to someone you love; but if you do, rest assured, God’s love is certain as well as eternal. If He can forgive me, He can forgive anybody!

Thank God for Confirmation, through which I “saw the light” toward my conscience and subsequently to God’s Divine Mercy!

Humility in Confession is the way and the truth to God’s mercy! Over three years ago, I could hardly muster-up the courage to tell the Priest. However, an immensity of God’s unlimited generosity has been pouring ever since. I therefore can tell the entire world of my lessons in stupidity.

The most embarrassing precaution in writing this is that my mom and dad will probably read this! I’ll take that chance. That’s how grateful I am for God’s “Amazing Grace that saved a wretch like me”! God’s mercy gave me some strength—like a tall glass of cold water lined with his Amazing Grace—the only supporting evidence from which I’ve got “the guts” to tell you just how far I was adrift!

There’s lots of hope toward virtue since lies and deception are seeing the last of the pendulum. I can’t help recognizing that it’s starting to swing the other direction! It’s awesome to be part of this pivotal time wherein peace is flowing like a river, flowing out to you and me, flowing out into the desert and into a tall glass of fresh cold truth ready to quench the world’s thirst so that you and I might see.

I used a stranded inner tube drifting in the vast ocean of fear and despair. However, when one’s loyalty is truly guided by one’s informed conscience, there’s nothing to fear—not even fear itself! When one is guided by one’s conscience, one can clearly hear God’s guidance, whereas fear is distant and unclear. But, when one is “guided” by aimless drifting, one can only hear the unclear!

In retrospect, most of my life I believed in my faith but was only a member of a religion by name (much like that of a gym, where you get a membership card). I went to the church and have always believed in God (as I’ve always believed in fitness), but I felt a much weaker connection and kind of empty. I would go to the church on Sundays out of obligation. I would arrive late and leave early (much like at the gym).

Since I have been writing this manuscript, I have needed help that I couldn’t seem to get from anyone. Well, I did what everyone else typically does when nobody will help...I turned to God. I began praying with devotion as if late for a flight and begging God to hold the plane. The more I asked for God’s help, the more I recognized what he wanted from me. The more I lived up to the standards of my faith in the Sacraments of the Church, the more obvious his help became.

I went to Confession and God removed the many stains on my soul. I never felt so clean in all my life! I began focusing as I would listen to every word at Mass. I then realized God was actually talking to me through the scriptures. My prayers for God’s help began to make more sense; and the sacramental graces began to become apparent in the leadership through which I was guided.

What a leader! He does not simply give me answers by miraculously placing them in my hands; I have to strive to keep-up while discerning based on my conscience and how well or poorly I have done my homework to inform my conscience. He requires that I work for the answers. If I know anything about leadership, it’s because I have a teacher who is absolutely superb—Jesus! He isn’t one who only “talks the talk”; he walks the talk! He has shown us leadership by giving us an example when he walked on Earth as he lived a human life with intellect, will, and passionate zeal in perfect wisdom, love, and perseverance...not limited to what was in it for him but for the redemption of you and me! THAT, my dear friend, is The One who extended life, a bright light, and a map to quench my thirst on my way back home when I was hopelessly floating among the vultures without a prayer!